There are times when I feel as if my life, when compared to someone else’s, is extra hard. Yeah I know it sounds cliché. I know everyone has the same story. the same feeling, but there are moments when that is how I feel and I won’t dismiss it. There are moments when I believe God is either teasing me or training me….I am not sure which one just yet.
Whenever I go through something difficult, it is VERY difficult. God always delivers me from all my hardships….but my breakthrough often seems to come at the last minute. When I am at my whit’s ends. I am extremely grateful for the deliverance when it comes. Believe me, I am. But I do wonder, why I have to go through these difficulties at all? Why do I have to feel like I am about to give up before help comes? Why is it that when it appears that things are going to take a turn for the best, something always comes up and disappoints me? Why is it when I see a breakthrough and I am about to level up, something always pushes me back? And when I fall back…..I fall waaaay back.
I know I am a strong person. I know that I am a smart person. I know that I can go through everything I go through with God at my side……but I am tired. I really am. I am emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausted and it is starting to manifest physically. I wish I could have a cheat period……a period where everything goes smoothly for me without me even trying. A period where things are so perfect that I feel like I am in a dream. A period where I can go through with my plans on time without delay or disappointments. A period where things just fall in place for me, as it seems to do for others. While typing this I feel a sense of ungratefulness coming upon me and I feel as if I want to cry because I truly have been blessed. I know that for a fact, and I am beyond grateful for where I am and how much I have overcome. I know of all of the terrible things that could have happened but didn’t. However, I don’t know how to ignore all the great things that I see happening to others, and not want that for myself. Am I greedy for wanting more? Am I greedy for wanting better? Am I ungrateful for not wanting to stay where I am even though things are going well for me?